In Exile

SHE - a glimpse into her world

This is some raw content I thought I’d share on my time at SHE. It’s pretty much straight from the journal so don’t mind any spelling or grammatical errors. Also, it’s very vulnerable, so if doesn’t make sense or it seems a bit off, remember it was just processing. So, with that being said, here’s a glimpse into her world.

May 18, 2010

It all starts at 8PM with a time of worship, prayer, verses, and preparation. It was powerful, our voices echoing to heaven in the open room, worship sung to God, crying out for the women. These girls from the WR love God, and love the people they’re working with. I can see the love and passion of God in them. So then comes the intense part – actual outreach in Patong. I had heard a lot yet didn’t know exactly what to expect. It turns out we’ve actually been to the place before in the day time. It is 100% different at night. There’s a main drag with all the bars, full of people of various nationalities and stories. There are the men selling ping pong shows, kids selling flowers, women selling themselves, tourists buying it all up, and so on. It was a bit overwhelming at first but I’m trying to wrap my thoughts around the night. Me and two other girls did a lot of prayer walking this first night down almost every strip of bars. Oh what I saw. I don’t know exactly how to describe my emotions/feelings. Girls at every bar, available for business if you pay the bar fee and find the right price. So many internationals and old men with younger Thai girls, drinking, smoking, closed bars with only God knows what behind those doors, dancing women, lady boys, sexual perversion and confusion, lust, oppression, darkness… We prayed and prayed – for the girls, the men, the area, etc. Surprisingly, one of the first things that hit me was this – I could so very easily be any of those guys. That could be me, drinking, taking a girl for the night, living my life that way. Under any other circumstances, I would probably be the guy at the bar with a Thai girl or going behind closed doors. Why not? Without God or revelation of truth, there’s no reason not to. Their eyes tell the story of their soul, and their soul is as dead drunk as their eyes. The girls… Three of them that have been befriended by one of the WR girls had to be only 16-17, claiming to be much older of course. Caught up in a life of sexual business, becoming objects of lust, not knowing true love or anything like it. Girl after girl after girl… and as I pray I still feel helpless. What can I do? Nothing. Only He can. We spent a short time playing 4 in a row with a girl at a bar (they have games to keep you there longer to buy more drinks). She was a funny girl named Kup Kup who had worked at the bar for 10 years but isn’t one that does “business”. I met a young man and his uncle from Burma who sells DVDs on the streets. They are here for work. We spent some talking to them since the girls already knew them somewhat, and we were able to pray for them at the end. But tonight, I felt things in my spirit I haven’t felt in a while. At times I could have doubled over from the intensity of spiritual darkness and demonic presence. That place is hell on earth, and has been given over to the enemy and his work. But God owns the world and by being there we are bringing His kingdom of light into that place. They’re lost, dying, searching, hurting, broken people. They’re whores on their way to hell, like all of us really, in need of rescuing. It could be you or I in their shoes, and by the grace of God we’re not. This is all they know. How will they know the way unless they’re told? Without Jesus this is all people have to live for. A twisted, superficial façade of love. From lusting over the half-naked girl or fully-naked girl. From picking up the Thai girl at the bar for a one-night stand of empty sex. From drinking oneself into oblivion to forget for a moment their current state of wretchedness in this wretched world. At the end of the day, they find themselves alone, broken, empty and unfulfilled. Vacant eyes tell of vacant lives. Jesus is the only answer. Take Him away, and this is what remains. Can’t you see you’re beautiful? Oh creation of God, you’re worth so much ore than this! We sing, “He loves her, oh how He loves her!” Even when you’re selling yourself, even when you’re giving yourself away. I don’t stand in judgment against any man, woman or lady boy I saw tonight. Because I know it could be me, and I don’t see what’s inside their hearts. I can’t see the root of all this evil. And I don’t even care if the men and women I saw tonight have no sense of regret or wrong in what they do, I don’t care if they enjoy it and have turned their backs on God. Why? Because they’re just like everyone else without realizing it, without admitting it. They may not know they’re wretched, blind, naked, poor and in need of God. But He does. And He loves them and wants them! So do I. He values all of them so much, and desires to see them follow Him. It breaks His heart to see this, and stirs up jealousy and wrath for His created people being lost to hell on earth. They’re going from one to the next unless they meet Jesus.

It pains something deep inside of me to see one so precious and loved living as one worth so little and unloved, giving herself away night after night after night. It’s like the enemy has gone to the core of who she is and stripped it away. Her true identity rests in the fact that she is created in the image of God, made to be loved and to love and to experience all the fullness of love. Take that away, and this hell is what you get. Life is lived based on a lie that this is it, that this is all she’ll ever be, and that she’s not worth any bit more than the money that is paid for her by some man just as lost and lonely as she is. Maybe tonight I experienced a little bit of hell and the aftertaste it leaves. It’s a bottomless, endless darkness with a thirst that is never quenched, an eternity of ever unsatisfied loneliness and separation. It’s not the flames that should scare us, it’s the absence of God Himself. If a place like this on earth represents a microscopic example of the absence of Light in a place and the insatiable emptiness (demons) it feeds, my God, what about below? We cannot let her be handed over to hell, and by God we cannot allow this hell on earth.

May 19, 2010

“The afflicted and needy one is seeking water, but there is none, and her tongue is parched with thirst; I, the Lord, will answer her Myself, as the God of Israel I will not forsake her… That she may see and recognize, and consider and gain insight as well, that the hand of the Lord has done this, and the Holy One of Israel has created it.” (Taken from Isaiah 41)

Beautiful one, you are loved! Lovely one, you are beautiful!

My God, swing Your sword and loose the bonds of oppression. Break the yoke of death. Set the captive free! Let her rise from the ashes into a new dawn, the day of eternity. I cry for freedom! Release the loved ones to love, and to know love. You have called her, a sinner. (Matthew 9:12-13)

He does not condemn her, so neither do I. (John 8:11)

Tonight was different, a bit more relaxed and more conversation oriented. I went with three of the girls, meeting a bunch of their friends as we went. At one bar we spent a lot of time playing games with a girl named Me. We were able to talk to her a lot and found out, like many of the women in Patong, she was from the north. Many of them come here for work, sadly ending up at a bar instead of a hotel. We also met a guy from Germany named Markus. He’s here on holiday by himself. I was able to tell him a little bit about what I’m doing, hopefully it spoke to him and hopefully he could see that we were different. I hope we had some type of positive impression on either of them. It was good to spend some time with one of the girls as a guy with no ulterior motives. She’s only been here two months. During this whole time, one of WR girls from our group was spending time with her younger group of friends I met last night. It broke my heart. One of the girls was in tears when we went over. From what I could gather, she doesn’t want to do it anymore. An older man had come up to her and mistreated her in his words and actions, and as I looked I saw some of the other young girls with white male company. The reality of this existence is revealed in these moments. To see a face bring this ugly, evil reality to life. To witness the kind of men they are subject to so often, and the degradation that comes with it. To see the tears of a young girl caught in a living hell. These tears tell a story of anguish, a story of many girls trapped in a life of darkness. I didn’t talk to the girl, and I don’t know her except for an introduction and hello and goodbye. But when I found out why she was in tears, I could recognize the pain in her eyes. There’s something screaming inside. She doesn’t know what for, she doesn’t know what she’s dying for, and that she’s worth dying for. Her life is a sad story, a dark, broken story written by broken men and broken boys. It’s a nightmare where no one can hear her screaming and her feet cannot move her. Words cannot express the depths of loneliness that envelop her. In a moment I can forget what I’m there for, until one face reveals the souls of all others. She’s scratching at the walls of her prison (cell), leaving bloody streaks writing what pens and words cannot. And my God, where are You in all of this? I want to say You’ve left them to their choices and forget, but I cannot bring myself to believe this. This it is not OK, this is not alright. She cannot forever suffer at the hands of lustful men. God, You saw her crying too. I don’t know what to do about it, but You do. Part of me wants to say this has nothing to do with me, she’s not my responsibility. Maybe that’s true. But no longer can I say, “I did not know.” Maybe You’ll ask me/us, “Now I ask you – what did you do about it?” Tonight we also handed out little pieces of paper with phrases such as “you are loved”. We visited some more friends, like a funny guy named Tom. We played some games with him and another girl there named Moo. I’m horrible at hitting nails, ha. By this time it was time to go. I didn’t feel as heavy leaving this night as the last, but I was tired physically and spiritually all the same. I cannot get ride of the image of the young girl in tears. I feel like it represents the reality of their lives. I’ve run out of words to say. I just feel this depth of brokenness and grief.

May 20, 2010

I had such a powerful time there at SHE, going out two nights, praying, meeting some of the women they’re working with, feeling the love and compassion God has for them, even though walking through a sugar-coated piece of hell it was. I even saw two of the women came to lunch today! Awesome. In the end, it felt good to actually feel again. I was impacted and touched by what I saw and experienced my two nights in Patong. After a while I started to feel numb during so many experiences on this trip, but here I felt in what I was doing – grief, sadness, love, compassion, and inexpressible depth of darkness, and so on. Some moments were heart-wrenching and physically gut-wrenching. Some were actually relaxed and fun. I have a new spiritual outlook on prostitute women and even buying men. And SHE is such a great avenue for a new life….On the bus ride home I started listening to some songs and reflecting on the girls, and my time in Patong and found myself on the brink of tears almost the whole way home, just thinking and reflecting and remembering the faces and tears. Some songs that played really expressed the sense of darkness I felt from my experience. As the songs played they seemed to speak so much of what I saw and felt, telling her stories. I almost broke down several times because of the truth and reality of what I was hearing. There is a reality of darkness and evil and hell in this world, and I grieved over the face of this in Patong with the girls and men I saw living in it, embracing it even. I don’t even know where all these emotions are coming from, I guess God is giving me a little glimpse of His heart, and when His heart and character clash with hell and its darkness, there is such a reaction inside of one whose spirit is born of God. When we think, act, love and feel like God, our view of things change, like Patong. What would normally look “fun” and “harmless” and “normal” suddenly becomes evil and dark and we understand things are not the way they were intended to be. It’s more than I can express in words, but I’ve received revelation of choosing to view the world/places through His eyes, not mine. It changes everything. I’ll never forget how I was affected by what I witness those two nights. God gives you incredible things if you let Him….Now all I ask of God is that I not forget what I felt and experience, that I not forget what I learned in all of this, and not forget about the girls. Oh God that I would not fail to tell her story, and even his story. Though dark and wretched it may be, it must be revealed and exposed. My Father does not condemn them, and neither do I. Such a powerful love and story of grace. My God wants to rewrite the story of the lost and dying into one of belonging and life. We will never understand such a great abundance of His love until we understand the love He has for such as these. We, being like Jesus, do not judge or condemn but love and befriend. Whether they love or hate who they are and what they do, it makes no difference. There’s the same depravity of their spirits whether they know it or not. The crazy thing about all of this? We need Jesus just as much as her and him. In our hearts, haven’t we all been unfaithful, almost every day? Haven’t we all been whores? We’re not all that different, except for the obvious fact that we acknowledge our sin and admit our need for a forgiving savior, thus living transformed lives. That’s it. On that note, I’ve exhausted this topic. Amen.